Parents, how do you trust your children?
Trust is built over time. Whether it’s in relationship, in business, even in matters of faith or spirituality. Trust is required anytime we want to grow or connect. And there is a level of trust implied in every personal interaction we have.
It is an act of trust to introduce yourself to someone new. When you say a prayer, you trust that God or some powerful entity is listening. When you write your deepest secrets in a journal you keep by your bed, you trust that it will not only help you make sense of your mind, but also that anyone else in your household will respect your privacy enough not to open and read it.
In a relationship, you build trust by asking questions and listening to the other person’s answers. In turn, you answer their questions about you. You might hesitate to share some of your larger struggles or deeper issues at first. And as the trust builds, you continue to talk and connect, discuss similarities and learn more about your differences, you’ll choose to talk about more personal topics. This brings you closer to each other and strengthens your connection, which builds more trust between you.
Children are born trusting. Trust is hardwired from birth. A newborn infant’s default is to trust. To trust that their cries of communication will be heard, that their basic needs for food, safety and comfort will be met by their primary caregivers. Their trust in their parents is reinforced by how parents respond to these primal needs. If a baby cries, and they get no response, trust is eroded. It is natural for a baby to trust their parents. And it doesn’t always come naturally for a parent to trust their baby.
How many baby books did you read when you were expecting? Parenting websites? Blogs? How many podcasts did you listen to? How many message boards did you lurk around or post in?
For me, it was too many to count. In fact, becoming a parent was integral to my personal development journey. All of the books, message boards and blogs that I read helped me learn what I didn’t know about something I had never done before. My hunger for knowledge and guidance is how I got to where I am as a parent and professional coach today.
Ultimately, what parenting came down to for me was also a matter of trust. Trust in myself and the knowledge and instincts I had inside me. Trust in my children to communicate with me and trust in my ability to respond appropriately.
If adult humans can learn to trust a tiny newborn baby to communicate their needs, we can also learn to trust our older children and teenagers to communicate as well. Their communication evolves, as does trust. We can learn what we don’t know so that we can respond appropriately to them as their ability to communicate evolves. As they begin to look and sound like adults, the way our teenagers express their needs is not the same as it used to be. It’s also not the same as the way adults communicate, either. In fact, many full grown humans still have trouble communicating with each other and expressing their needs effectively. If we have trouble doing this between adults, is it any wonder that we have trouble communicating with our teenage children?
Communication with teenagers is a trust issue. Parents and teenagers feel disconnected for two reasons:
They don’t trust themselves.
They don’t trust each other.
When parents don’t trust themselves, they might make excuses for their teen’s attitude or behavior. Maybe they’ll dismiss everything that comes up as a phase and disengage from their children or postpone making an attempt to connect until it’s easier or comes more naturally. They might label their teenager “difficult” or “lazy” or something else. They often outsource their trust to another adult, a teacher, a friend’s parent, another relative, a coach (which is not necessarily ineffective, provided outsourcing is done intentionally and with connection in mind)..
When teenagers don’t trust themselves, they might withdraw and avoid communicating much at all. Their brains are in a rapid developmental phase in which most things don’t make sense. When they try to communicate something that doesn’t make sense, they often get frustrated when it doesn’t make sense or someone doesn’t understand. They can’t trust themselves to know what’s going on, so they tend to give up trying to express it to other people who aren’t going through the same thing.
When parents don’t trust their teenagers, they manage activities and schedules. They spend a lot of time enforcing rules and a lot of energy attempting to control their children’s attitudes and behaviors. They establish strict routines and might demand unquestioning obedience. They tend to see their teenager as someone who still needs a lot of protection and oversight instead of a budding adult learning to be more independent. They may see their teen’s “failures” and “faults” as reflection on themselves or their parenting abilities.
When teenagers don’t trust their parents, they might lie or hide things. They tend to dismiss their parents' concerns or brush off their offers of support in difficult situations. They tend to believe that their parents wouldn’t understand what they’re going through so it’s better to figure things out on their own. It’s possible that they believe they know better than the adults around them, but in many cases, they recognize the wisdom that comes from age and just don’t know how to access it appropriately without admitting that they still need parenting.
We all have these moments where we fail to trust ourselves or each other. If you are starting to recognize that your challenges with your teenager are challenges with trust, it’s appropriate to investigate this. Sometimes a lack of trust or perceived lack of trust comes up in a single situation or interaction against a strong foundation of trust, and it is easy enough to course correct. For some families, trust has been in a pattern of erosion over time. There’s nothing wrong with you if you experience a breakdown of trust. There’s nothing wrong with your teenager, either. You’re human. The good news is that building up trust and connection in your relationship with your children is always possible, no matter where you’re starting from.
Remember when you learned to trust yourself as a parent? Remember when you learned to identify your baby’s different cries? Remember how you learned to tell that a toddler tantrum meant it was time for a snack or a bathroom break? Remember how you knew to sit a little bit longer after reading a bedtime story because you recognized there was something on your preschooler’s mind?
The way we communicate evolves over time. Trust your teenager to communicate to you, even if they’re not using the words you might expect. Sometimes even, “I hate you!” and a slamming door is their way of making a bid for connection. It may not be the most effective way to get that need met, but recognizing that your teenager is longing for understanding and for you to trust them can go a long way in deepening and strengthening your relationship with them through these years and beyond.
Interested in learning some practical communication techniques to improve trust and connection in your family?