Someone once made an offhand comment to me about being a black belt. They said, “That’s why you’re so confident, because you’re a black belt.”
While that may be partially true, there’s a bit more to the story than that.
Maybe you look at someone who’s super confident and think that they got that way because of something that they’ve accomplished or acquired. The comment about my black belt must feel true to others because becoming a black belt isn’t something everyone can just go out and do quickly and easily. The story that confidence comes from an accomplishment, a title, position or possession is a story commonly told. You may have even told yourself a version of this story, that once you reach that goal or step into that role, you’ll find the confidence you’re looking for there.
Sound familiar?
I used to think that way, too. But the comment about my black belt giving me my confidence didn’t actually reflect my truth or my experience. So I have to ask you if the story you’ve been telling about confidence, either in yourself or what you see in others, is actually true?
I started referring to myself as a Black Belt long before I tied a black belt around my waist. I believed that I was a Black Belt long before I earned it. The black belt confidence came from that belief, not from the belt itself. The belt only reinforced what I already believed to be true about myself.
I think that a lot of people look at confidence as a stand alone goal. While confidence is definitely something that we can develop and own, it’s a little tough to measure whether or not we have actually achieved the level of confidence we’re after. Confidence is actually more of a byproduct of a process of growth, and it develops somewhere along the way to other achievements or goals. Often when you’re not really looking for it.
What we often take for confidence is actually more about courage.
Confidence comes when my FEAR–fear of failure, judgment, rejection, putting myself out there, etc.–is overshadowed by my PURPOSE, the underlying reason I have for doing whatever it is that I want to do. Confidence isn’t the thing I need to have in order to take action. Confidence is not a requirement. Courage is. Courage is the requirement, confidence is the result.
When I realized that I could BE a black belt, or at least be what I thought a black belt was, without needing to HAVE a black belt, it freed me up to DO what a black belt would do, which eventually got me the black belt. I couldn’t have made it to black belt without the confidence that built up slowly and gradually in me over time as I practiced and trained myself physically, mentally and emotionally. I found confidence in the repetition, in the support and encouragement of my instructors, and in challenging myself to take my training to the next level and the next. I found confidence in choosing how to show up in class and showing up the same way in my personal and professional life. I mindfully let go of fear as I focused more on purpose, and after a while, my fear response stopped showing up as much.
What’s even more important to remember about confidence is that it doesn’t grow when you give up. Confidence comes from pushing through challenges and overcoming obstacles. Sometimes those trials will be small, like putting aside distractions and showing up in class. Other times, there will be more massive troubles like accidents or injuries. A lot of time, giving up on something that you’ve invested a lot of your time and effort in means starting over at something new. Do this enough, and you’ll always be a beginner. Keep going, and you’ll get to a point where you can be confident in your mastery.
The confidence I discovered or created on my journey to black belt and beyond has shown up in many other areas of my life. It’s why I’m seeing success as an entrepreneur, artist and coach. Even if I move away from martial arts into something else, the mastery I’m achieving is mastery of my fear, mastery of myself. There will always be places I’ll lack confidence, but having learned this kind of mastery, I know how to build my confidence again.
We tell our karate students that the three keys to confidence are practice, practice and practice. Confidence comes with one courageous act at a time. The more you practice, the more comfortable you get. The more comfortable you get, the better you’ll perform under pressure. The more you practice under pressure, the better you can show your skills to others. All of this helps you believe that you’re awesome at what you do, and when you believe that you’re awesome, the more awesome you become. As small successes stack up behind you, you prime yourself for bigger challenges, which lead to larger future successes. And you realize that even failure has something to offer as you focus on purpose, passion and courage instead.
Would you consider yourself a confident person? Where has courage, purpose and practice helped you get to a new level in your life?
I’d love to hear from you!
Use the form below to ask questions or share your thoughts.