When you know yourself, you believe in yourself. When you believe in yourself, you embrace new opportunities. When you embrace new opportunities, you learn more about your purpose. When you learn more about your purpose, you find where you belong. When you find where you belong, you create opportunities for other people to know, believe, embrace, learn and belong, too.

Self care starts with self awareness. Most people go through life barely aware of who they are or who they’d like to be. Knowing yourself is the beginning. Knowing yourself is the most important aspect of self care. Forget the hype around self care products and experiences that the world wants to sell you. Do you know how you function best? What do you need physically, mentally, emotionally and relationally in order to be your best self?

Most of us don’t know how to sustainably care for each of these aspects of our well being. We search for people, products and experiences outside of ourselves that will help us achieve peace, joy, happiness or fulfillment. There’s a whole consumer industry around “self care” now that isn’t helping us to deeply connect with ourselves in a way that serves. We are afraid to do the simple, silent work of going inside and learning to know, love and value who we really are and what we have to offer. If you don’t know how to tap into your own ability to care for yourself, how will you teach your teenager to practice self care for their own mental health?

Teenagers often find themselves overscheduled, overworked, overtired and overwhelmed by all of the things going on in their lives and minds. Until they get to a breaking point, they may not realize how little they’ve allowed themselves to connect and care for themselves. Without someone in their life who practices effective and essential self care, they may not know where to start.

Some things that prevent you from knowing yourself:

• Smartphone and screen distractions

• School, home and work obligations

• Family expectations and social dynamics

Phones/Screens

If you’re anything like me, you want to focus on creating an exciting and successful future life for yourself. At the same time, you find yourself opening an app on the phone or pulling up a website to complete a task only to look up an hour later wondering what you went online to do in the first place and where all that time just went.

Technology is incredible. There are so many opportunities for us to be inspired and inspire other people here. There are also endless opportunities for distraction. Teenagers, of course, also understand the risk that technology poses to their focus and their future. They don’t need to lock up their phones, tablets and computers and throw away the keys, but they might benefit from some clearer guidelines or more rigid structure around how they use their time on these devices. As a parent or mentor to a teenager, what are you doing to make sure that the example you’re setting with your own use of technology is what you want for them?

Obligations

If your schedule does not allow you to keep up your grades and have a job and play sports and spend time with your family, you might need to take a closer look at it. Make choices that align with your priorities. If you’re not sure what your priorities are, look at where you’re spending the most time or energy. If you play multiple sports, maybe choose the one or two that are the most fun or fulfilling for you. If you don’t have time to finish your homework, maybe you need to talk to your boss about your hours at your job.

Keep in mind that obligations like sports and academics are temporary or cyclical, and just because you may have to cut back in one area doesn’t mean that you always will.

Expectations from family and social groups

Many teenagers adopt multiple personalities in order to adapt to different relationships or situations. Often, they change how they express themselves, even betraying their own core values because it feels more important to belong than to be who they really are. They’ve learned through various experiences that other people don’t always value the same things they do. They’ve been disappointed, heartbroken, even neglected or abused by people they expected to see, understand and love them. So they play different roles at different times. They pretend to believe in things they don’t or deny their deeply held beliefs to accommodate someone else’s comfort. They dress to fit in.

None of this is “bad” or “wrong,” but it is mentally and emotionally exhausting.

What if your teenagers knew who they were and acted with confidence in their own identity when choosing classes, creating their schedules and developing their friendships?

Self care can do this for them. And for you. Here are three ways to care for yourself in a world where it’s hard to find the time or energy to do so.

1. Intentional screen time.

Being intentional with screens opens up opportunities for you to think your own thoughts instead of constantly consuming the thoughts and experiences of others. Thinking your own thoughts is integral to your self discovery. Screens can be a helpful tool, but ultimately, you need to take responsibility for your own beliefs, relationships and experiences. 

To reduce reliance on screens, some people benefit from severe restrictions or screen fasts. For others, making sure screens are off and put away by a certain time each night is enough. The intention is to put a plan in place that serves and supports your personal goals, priorities and obligations. Take some time to try different approaches and learn what works best for you and your family. If you are a parent and struggle with screen addiction, yourself, collaborate with your teens and hold each other accountable. Your teenager will be much more open to the idea of working on this if they don’t see your face buried in a screen all the time. 

2. Eat, sleep, move.

A lot of mental health issues are improved with changes in diet, exercise and sleep habits. If you or someone you know is struggling with anxiety or depression, a change in diet, sleep or exercise could make a world of difference. Keep healthy food in the house and reduce eating out and sugar consumption. Start slowly. Replace junk food with healthier alternatives. Look into adding vitamin and mineral supplements. Teenagers also need 9 to 9 ½ hours of sleep every night in order to grow and function at optimal levels. If that sounds impossible, start by going to bed just 15 minutes earlier and see what happens. Adding or increasing the amount of physical activity during the day can help with sleep at night as well as release endorphins to improve mood and brain function. Walk to or from school. Take sports or gym class seriously. Put on some music and dance. Just move your body a few minutes a day and see what happens.

3. Judgment-free zones.

Whether it’s a friend that you trust with your life, a mentor or someone you hire like a therapist or coach, it helps to have someone you can talk to about anything. You need a safe place to process everything coming at you in life. Think about the people in your circle who love you and want to see you succeed and thrive. Think about people who make you feel safe and supported, who won’t add their complaints to whatever you’re already carrying. If no one individual comes to mind, think about prayer or a connection with the divine, maybe there is a group online that feels like a good place to come for venting, support or advice. Maybe you prefer to write in a journal or speak into a note-taking app on your phone. Get the junk out of your head and out of the way so you can make your next moves with clarity. Do whatever you need to do to process through your feelings, thoughts and experiences in a judgment-free zone either with someone else or by writing, drawing or speaking through it for yourself alone. This really does help.

Self care can be simple. You don’t need to set aside hours every day or buy any special products or hire a team of professionals to get started or level up your self care routine. What it really comes down to is putting yourself first so that you can show up in your life in a way that is authentic and generous and fun. If you’ve never thought of self care before or you’re desperately out of practice, you still may not know where to start. I’ve created a free resource to support you on your journey. I’m happy to help!