It's Valentine's day, so why not write about love?

In college, I wrote a whole paper on Plato’s Symposium. I’m not going to write anything like that here. But what I remember from doing that work is that there are many different ways to express and feel love.

Many times, we express love unconsciously. As you move through your day, you probably think about other people. You wonder what they’re doing. You smile when you see them. You laugh at their jokes. You listen to their stories. You fold their laundry. You say, “I love you, too,” and hug them back. Love often becomes habitual.

Other times, we consciously choose love. When you’re busy, but your brother needs a ride. When you’re working and the school calls you to pick up a sick child. When you sacrifice winning an argument for the preservation of your relationship. When you go out of your way to do something without being asked because you know it will lighten someone else’s load.

Love shows up in almost everything we do. It’s who we are. Our lives improve when love outweighs the other stuff. You can either choose love, whether consciously or unconsciously, or give in to fear. 

Fear is the other side of love.  Even the Bible says, “There is no fear in love.” (1 John 4:18). When you think of opposites, you might think that hate is the opposite of love. It’s not. Like love, fear expresses itself in many different ways. Hate is one of those ways. Fear is at the core of hate. Yoda told us, “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

What are some fears that prevent love from showing up fully? Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of judgment. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of being wrong. Fear of hurting someone else. Fear of not enough. Fear of too much. Fear of authority. Fear of autonomy. Fear of death. 

The problem is that some of our fears also look like love. For instance, your fear of hurting someone else seems like a good thing. Isn’t it? Well, it depends.

If your fear of hurting someone asks you to lie or withhold information that could help them, then fear is in the driver’s seat, not love. Love is there, but not in charge. When fear is in charge, you people please. You compromise your values or ask them to compromise theirs. You avoid sharing feedback to protect yourself from potential conflict. That’s called being nice.

Love calls us to be kind, instead. Kindness, where love is in the driver’s seat, allows you to feel the fear of hurting someone and act in integrity and in alignment with your values and for their higher good without your ego getting in the way. 

For example, as a karate instructor, I want to see my students improve and succeed. I want them to build confidence and be safe in the process. So if a student is not ready to test to their next rank, maybe the “nice” thing to do would be to allow them to test anyway. I could choose this so they won’t be mad at me for holding them back. But what happens when they fail? Or worse, what if they don’t have the foundational technique down and it leads to an injury? What if they manage to pass the test and the challenges at the next level overwhelm them?

Instead, if I am “kind” and hold the student back, I give them an opportunity to learn resilience and perseverance. They get more practice at their current level and build their skills and confidence as they work toward their goal. And when they are eventually ready to test, they rock it and feel proud and sure that they earned it. They’re prepared for the harder techniques at the next level and excited to tackle them.

Maybe if I hold a student back or postpone the awarding of a stripe or belt, I won’t be liked very much. Maybe they’ll even quit. But if my ego can take it, once the initial feelings of anger or disappointment have passed, either way that student will then discover the power in their own choice. They get to choose to give up on themselves or do the work that needs to be done. If I’m invested in their growth from a genuine place of love for them, I can guide and support them even through setbacks and hurt feelings. 

We can do this with friends and family members, too. We can have tough conversations guided by love. Conversations that might hurt in the moment but bring us clarity and confidence as we move forward together. If you’re a parent, some of the things that you do or say for the higher good of your children might make them mad at you. It might even cause them to say that they hate you. If you have parents, some of the things you do or say on your own path of learning and growth might rub them the wrong way, and they might yell or ground you. These are fear responses. Fear of being wrong. Fear of letting you down. Fear of judgment from friends, family or followers. There’s a better way forward. And once you each check back in with love, you get to choose.

Take a moment to consider a recent struggle or difficult encounter. What was the driving force? Fear or love? What was the real fear underneath? What feelings showed up? Remember, there will always be some level of fear at play, even when love is driving. Because love asks a lot of us. Love asks you to be seen, to be vulnerable. To take a risk.

Love is not nice. Love is kind. Fear is nice. 

Nice says nothing or tells a lie to spare the ego or a moment of hurt feelings. Nice avoids clarifying conversations or constructive feedback because it could turn into an argument, and Nice doesn’t want to be the bad guy. Nice says yes when your heart says no. Nice says no when your heart says yes because it thinks it’s protecting you. Nice is fear dressed up like love. 

Love takes courage. Love takes action in the face of fear. Love notices judgment but doesn’t let judgment hold it back. Love is honest and patient and aligns with your core values and gives others the space to honor theirs. Love sacrifices ego to help people be better than they were before, even if it means that they might move on without you. Love risks being misunderstood and opens up anyway. Love gives into fear sometimes, acknowledges mistakes, apologizes and does the next right thing. Love takes courage.

Your challenge today and every day is to have the courage to put love in the driver’s seat. Feel the fear and choose love instead.